Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in — only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. There’s only two left.”
Seniors — don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!
*NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE*.
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We’ve got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."
An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly
voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and
asked if he was ready to order.
What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again,
What would you like, sir?
Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, a quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.
“ONE IS NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!”
Manure.. An interesting fact.
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ‘ Stow high in transit ‘ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ‘ S.H.I.T ‘ , (Stow High In Transit) ,…………. “So it’s really not a swear word”
which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golfing term.
It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.
8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!
Abraham & The Orange Yarn
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant.
He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says,
I need a piece of orange yarn.
The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis,
and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines.
He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other,
dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard.
Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn.
Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for!
I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis.
Look at this place!
What do you have to say for yourself?" Straightfaced, Abe replies
"I’m very careful when I deal with people like you,
that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles,
so I gave you a 2% discount;
but the tip of my penis is in Poland."
have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me".
Am I right?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men have you?
Washington replied , Well Madam , there are 32 of us without Peters.
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin’ me.’