Estate Planning

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

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EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELING!


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EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELING!

oldguy
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”
He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

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What’s in a name…

These people must have sat up all night with
beers in hand, trying to come up with JUST the right name.

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The Annual Check Up………

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle
and went ‘bang, bang’. “Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

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More old stuff

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Male Logic — Flawless

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!).

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be
approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a gorgeous boat?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where is your boat?

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Mayday Mayday

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,”Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone! “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!”
He began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!”
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!”
Tower :”Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”
Aircraft :“The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!”

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Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’ who then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor… The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…)

“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at WALMART”

Oh, quit groaning!

I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from some of my warped friends and then send it on to you.

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These signs make it obvious that humanity is regressing …

The most dramatic symbol of the dumbing down of humanity occurred to me sometime in the 1990’s: There was a pop (soda to you Yankees) machine in the school that I taught at, that was empty as was signified by all the teeny, little lights being lit by each of the choices. Nevertheless, I guess kids were still putting their coins in, only to be disappointed when no cans came out. So, someone, probably one of the vice-principals because they were good at this kind of thing, wrote a note with one word on it, “EMPTY” & taped the note on the machine where the coins would be inserted.

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Things that your wife doesn’t use..

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you.
I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"

And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that,
I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bough t at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said;
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’"

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