Making snowman in America

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!

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Abraham & The Orange Yarn

Abraham & The Orange Yarn

Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant.
He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says,
"Hey Jew!
I need a piece of orange yarn.
The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis,
and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines.
He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other,
dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard.
Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn.
Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for!
I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis.
Look at this place!
What do you have to say for yourself?" Straightfaced, Abe replies
"I’m very careful when I deal with people like you,
that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles,
so I gave you a 2% discount;
but the tip of my penis is in Poland."

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You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me

have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me".

Am I right?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men have you?

Washington replied , Well Madam , there are 32 of us without Peters.

And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin’ me.’

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Cake 🎂 or bed 🛏

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO."

“FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO."


“FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘HOME HARDWARE’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO – I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I’M GOING TO THE BAR!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."

HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO… DO YOU SEE ‘BETTY CROCKER’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”

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Having a bad day?

In a hospital’s (to be unnamed) Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner….

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you’re having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

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Politically Correct

Three Saudis are sitting in a restaurant in London
having dinner and trying to decide where to go for vacation.

The first Saudi says: -"Let’s go to Jerusalem".

The 2nd Saudi says: – "No, there are too many
Jews there, maybe we should go to Florida."

The 3rd Saudi says: – "No, there are too many
Jews there too, let’s go to New York".

The 1st Saudi whines: -"No, there are far too
many Jews there."

A little old lady sitting at the next table
leans over and says:

"Vell, vy don’t you go to hell, there are no
Jews there"!!!

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A little chuckle

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I’d like her for the night."

"I’m sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

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The Kosher computer

I don’t know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low… even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The ‘Start’ button has been replaced with a ‘Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!’ button.

2) You hear ‘Hava Nagila’ during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, ‘Is this the best you can do?

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, ‘If your mother knew you did this, she would die.’

6) It comes with a ‘monitor cleaning solution’ from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the ‘schmutz und drek.’

7) When running ‘Scan Disk’ it prompts you with a ‘You want I should fix this?’ message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, ‘Schloffen.’

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives – one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a ‘General Protection Fault’ error, your PC now gets ‘Ferklempt’

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to ‘Nu, so play my music already!’

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud ‘Oy Gevalt!’

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to ‘Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus.’

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can’t get SPAM….

​​

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Check up

Yesterday I had my annual medicare wellness check.
The nurse said that at my age I should have a bar in my shower.
So I took her advice.

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The storm is coming – be prepared

Quinn? 😀❄

Fios by Verizon My VerizonSupport
Winter storm Quinn is headed toward the Northeast coast and is likely to hit hard with heavy, wet snow and strong winds. In the event of a power outage, here are some quick tips to get you back up and running once your power is restored.

  1. To fix most issues, unplug your Verizon equipment, and plug it back in.
  2. Didn’t work? You may have to reset your Optical Network Terminal (ONT) by following these instructions.
  3. Still no luck? Access the My Fios app via a mobile device or visit verizon.com/outage for answers to common questions or to submit a repair request.

Stay warm and safe.

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