think you will like this

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

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…: Thoughts!!!!

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Priest’s Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Some New Groaners 🤪

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can’t part with it.

You know there’s no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and wearing their shoes.

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The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life? "Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I’m Father O’Malley.”

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Semen specimen..

An 85-year-old man, Max, was requested by his doctor to produce a semen specimen as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gives him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

Doctor Cohen asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Malka the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open."

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The virologists have identified a new Nile virus type C.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.

The lockdown seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!

Virus Symptoms
1 Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.
2 Causes you to send a blank E-mail.
3 Causes you to send an E-mail to the wrong person.
4 Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6 Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished.
7 Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8 Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE.
This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain the D-NILE virus.

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Back in 1920’s…

…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fontainebleau hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says,

"Oh there must have been a mistake. You can’t stay here."

"What do you mean?" she answers confused.

"Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can’t stay here." To which he points to the sign saying ‘No Jews’

"Oh, you think I’m Jewish? I’m not Jewish."

"Oh really? If that’s the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?"

"Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation.

"Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks.

"In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger."

"Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"

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Jewish taxi driver..

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well,if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

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🤔 🙄 😳 😂 🤣

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