Einstein was correct

*When Paul Newman died, they said how great he was but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (he was born half-Jewish).*

*When Helen Suzman, the woman who helped Nelson Mandela, died recently, they said how great she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.*

* On the flip side of the equation, when Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they were Jewish. However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blagojevich messed up; no one reported what religion or denomination they were, (at least theoretically) because they were not Jewish.

This is a minder of a famous Einstein quote:

In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a
paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the Sorbonne, the prestigious French university.

"If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss Citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist.

If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, And the Germans will call me a Jew."*

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senior couple

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.
Waiter: "How may I help you?"
Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him ‘Two hamburgers’!"
Waiter: "So, where are you heading?"
Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to see the grandkids!"
Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."
Elderly Man: "Yes, it’s been quite pleasant."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it’s good weather!"
Waiter: "Where are you coming from?"
Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we’re from and I said Pittsburgh!"
Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t cook if her life depended on it."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"

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Police

A policeman came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He was not pleased when I said kindergarten.

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Let’s never get rid of newspapers

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Church Signs

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Seniors

two-men.jpeg?w=83Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in — only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
old-man.jpg?w=150&h=113Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. There’s only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

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No one believes seniors..

*NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE*.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said,: "We’ve got to give it back."

Sally said: "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said: "No."

Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said: "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

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Senior Cartoons

Spectickles

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Spectickles

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Lol

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Breakfast Order

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly
voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and
asked if he was ready to order.

What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again,
What would you like, sir?

Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, a quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.

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The story of manure..

“ONE IS NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!”

Manure.. An interesting fact.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ‘ Stow high in transit ‘ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ‘ S.H.I.T ‘ , (Stow High In Transit) ,…………. “So it’s really not a swear word”

which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.

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