A little chuckle

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I’d like her for the night."

"I’m sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

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The Kosher computer

I don’t know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low… even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The ‘Start’ button has been replaced with a ‘Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!’ button.

2) You hear ‘Hava Nagila’ during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, ‘Is this the best you can do?

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, ‘If your mother knew you did this, she would die.’

6) It comes with a ‘monitor cleaning solution’ from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the ‘schmutz und drek.’

7) When running ‘Scan Disk’ it prompts you with a ‘You want I should fix this?’ message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, ‘Schloffen.’

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives – one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a ‘General Protection Fault’ error, your PC now gets ‘Ferklempt’

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to ‘Nu, so play my music already!’

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud ‘Oy Gevalt!’

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to ‘Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus.’

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can’t get SPAM….

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Check up

Yesterday I had my annual medicare wellness check.
The nurse said that at my age I should have a bar in my shower.
So I took her advice.

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The storm is coming – be prepared

Quinn? 😀❄

Fios by Verizon My VerizonSupport
Winter storm Quinn is headed toward the Northeast coast and is likely to hit hard with heavy, wet snow and strong winds. In the event of a power outage, here are some quick tips to get you back up and running once your power is restored.

  1. To fix most issues, unplug your Verizon equipment, and plug it back in.
  2. Didn’t work? You may have to reset your Optical Network Terminal (ONT) by following these instructions.
  3. Still no luck? Access the My Fios app via a mobile device or visit verizon.com/outage for answers to common questions or to submit a repair request.

Stay warm and safe.

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you know you’re getting old when..

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Old joke

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!” she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150."

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When Love Fades…

When Love Fades…

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."

She replied "You’re having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

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What exactly, is a shitload?

What exactly, is a shit load, the commonly used, but ill defined unit of measure???

Do you know?

Well here is the answer.

The quantity is amazing enough but just as amazing is the loading/balancing process.

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Now you know!!!

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For Pun Lovers – Enjoy

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

4. A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns…

23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

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Estate Planning

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

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