Pearls of Wisdom

As I have grown older:

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

When he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting

How everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

Especially after what he achieved,

Winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my f-ing bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended

I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked –

You’re supposed to turn your clock back".

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans

Would you know which one made you fart?"

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