|As I have grown older:
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one
When he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting
How everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
Especially after what he achieved,
Winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my f-ing bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked –
You’re supposed to turn your clock back".
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans
Would you know which one made you fart?"