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Got Gas???

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing."

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Einstein was correct

*When Paul Newman died, they said how great he was but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (he was born half-Jewish).*

*When Helen Suzman, the woman who helped Nelson Mandela, died recently, they said how great she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.*

* On the flip side of the equation, when Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they were Jewish. However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blagojevich messed up; no one reported what religion or denomination they were, (at least theoretically) because they were not Jewish.

This is a minder of a famous Einstein quote:

In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a
paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the Sorbonne, the prestigious French university.

"If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss Citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist.

If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, And the Germans will call me a Jew."*

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senior couple

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.
Waiter: "How may I help you?"
Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him ‘Two hamburgers’!"
Waiter: "So, where are you heading?"
Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to see the grandkids!"
Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."
Elderly Man: "Yes, it’s been quite pleasant."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it’s good weather!"
Waiter: "Where are you coming from?"
Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we’re from and I said Pittsburgh!"
Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t cook if her life depended on it."
Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"
Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"

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Police

A policeman came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He was not pleased when I said kindergarten.

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Let’s never get rid of newspapers

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Church Signs

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Seniors

two-men.jpeg?w=83Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in — only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
old-man.jpg?w=150&h=113Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. There’s only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

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No one believes seniors..

*NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS … EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE SENILE*.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said,: "We’ve got to give it back."

Sally said: "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said: "No."

Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said: "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

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Senior Cartoons

Spectickles

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Spectickles

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Lol

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Breakfast Order

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly
voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and
asked if he was ready to order.

What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again,
What would you like, sir?

Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, a quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.

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