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Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’ who then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor… The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…)

“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at WALMART”

Oh, quit groaning!

I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from some of my warped friends and then send it on to you.

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These signs make it obvious that humanity is regressing …

The most dramatic symbol of the dumbing down of humanity occurred to me sometime in the 1990’s: There was a pop (soda to you Yankees) machine in the school that I taught at, that was empty as was signified by all the teeny, little lights being lit by each of the choices. Nevertheless, I guess kids were still putting their coins in, only to be disappointed when no cans came out. So, someone, probably one of the vice-principals because they were good at this kind of thing, wrote a note with one word on it, “EMPTY” & taped the note on the machine where the coins would be inserted.

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Things that your wife doesn’t use..

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you.
I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"

And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that,
I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bough t at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said;
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’"

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Old goat quiz

Not necessarily for old goats.

Old Goat Quiz

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?


You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,

thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope??

Lovely, just lovely….

sometimes I worry about you………..

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The Rabbi’s wife

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in the synagogue for an hour after services for me?" Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to"?

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!".

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A Mosquito

This Is Not a Mosquito!! Look closely. Incredible!

Have you ever wished you could be a fly on the wall to spy on what’s going on or being said?

How about being a mosquito instead!

No, this isn’t a real mosquito. It’s an insect spy drone for urban areas, already in production, funded by the US Government.

It can be remotely controlled and is equipped with a camera and a microphone.

It can land on you, and even has the potential to take a DNA sample or leave RFID tracking nanotechnology on your skin.

It can fly through a slightly open window, or it can attach to your clothing until you unwittingly take it into your home. It can then be guided to the top of a curtain or other invisible location where it can scope entire rooms and monitor everything being said.

Given their propensity to request macro-sized drones for surveillance, one is left with little doubt that the government has big plans for these micro gadgets.

And to think we were worried about West Nile virus!

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Important message

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interesting pictures

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Astounding Pictures

Jet wash in the morning mist

]

Unusual cloud. Now we know how to look like angels
]

Ice cave, illuminated by a torch
]

Ladybug in the morning dew
]

Cloud: incredible picture
]

Rain over ravninoi – view from the airplane
]

One in a million
]

The tsunami of clouds
]

A magical place in Austria – Grer See
]
.

A rare and wonderful atmospheric phenomenon – "fire rainbow".

]

Rainbow refraction of light in water droplets
]

Morskoi sand under a microscope with a 300-fold increase
]

Rhodochrosite – Beautiful Shii mineral, also known as the Rose of the Inca
]

The view from the height of 8000 meters
]

Splash – from the stone thrown into the water during sunset
]

In rare cases, you can see a rainbow at 360 from the plane
]

The crystal clear ice of Lake Baikal
]

Blooming lotus
]

Lavender fields. Dawn. Imagine the aroma …
]

Frame-fire: the reflection of the setting sun in her hair
]WOW !

Winter Fairy
]

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Priceless

LOT’S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,

"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

****

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,

"If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I’d throw up."

****

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

****

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.

But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

****

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!"

****

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know."

****

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

"I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon"

"How come He doesn’t answer it?" she asked.

****

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

That’s very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he’s in bed!"

****

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain’t scared in the daytime"

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