A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You’re kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Classics: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?” Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”“No way. It’s just too risky!”“Oh please,please. I love you so much!”“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”“Oh yes you can. Please?”“No, no. I just can’t!”“I’m begging you . . . “Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He had not been to church in 10 years.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “
Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat.
What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat…"
Late one evening, while the campaign motorcade proceeded down a lonely rural road in west Texas, a very aged cow that had wandered away from its farm pasture suddenly stepped onto the road directly in the path of the oncoming vehicles.
The Secret Service limo driver tried to avoid the aging bovine but just couldn’t stop the car in time.
Unfortunately, the old cow was struck and killed.
From the back seat of the limo, Hillary
Clinton demanded that her driver go up to the nearby farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
She insisted, however, that the agent should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, and she added, "You killed it, so if they demand money, it will come out of your own pocket!"
Meanwhile, Hillary stayed in the car making phone calls on her
unsecured cell phone. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.
"I had just stepped inside the door and said ‘I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ "
"The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it."
When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street?
Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse, currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone
and say, Picabo, I.C.U.
A good clean joke is hard to find these days – pass it on!
(Admit it … You’re smiling)